THIS TIME THERE WON'T BE MANY PHOTOS.

Or stories, descriptions, those too.

The disclosure of information is very restricted, especially photos. The enemy is especially vigilant, active, watching, almost nothing slips past his eyes.

And so, it is better to be doubly cautious, than to regret it once.

Retreating with my regiment is something I have already had to do more than once. Last year - Donbas; this year - the Kursk direction. Where we arrived two weeks ago, it was “relatively” calm and safe. Though “calm” and “safe” have generally ceased to exist lately. The men brought me by roundabout roads to the Donetsk stele, the sign marking the gates of hell. At night, the men shoot at enemy drones, and the enemy's drones are already attacking civilian vehicles too.

That is war.

And yet, today I would like to share with you one more side of war, one not visible to all. The side, that nobody talks about too much, because war is a matter for “real men”, for heroes, who lack nothing in life and who can do everything. This time, about antidepressants at war.

I must honestly admit, that I was not prepared to talk with a soldier about such things, which are probably still taboo, so I don't immediately know how to react. In general, it is very difficult to talk with soldiers about psychological matters, because there is still a very deeply ingrained view, that a man, a soldier, is a hero: strong and must handle everything himself.

“And psychologically - how are you doing?” I carefully ask him. I'm always afraid that my questions will catch something inside them, deeper, so during conversations, I always choose my questions and words very carefully. You don't know, what trauma the soldier sitting across from you has experienced, what trigger might fire, even without noticing it yourself.

“Psychologically, it's hard of course,” Andrii answers briefly.

“And what do you hold onto, when it becomes really, really bad?” I still tread carefully, step by step.

“Well, simply, when it becomes very, very hard, we communicate among ourselves and try to pull each other out of that state. For example, we were on one rotation together, a very hard rotation. The three of us, the commanders, spent practically the entire rotation together. And that's how it was: I pull out “Vegas”, my brother-in-arms beside, “Vegas” pulls me out, and somehow it works for us. There was one more man with us, he's now left with the APC; “Barman”.

And so, the three of us spent that rotation and communicated very closely, pulling each other through. And it was all dedicated only for our soldiers, for our brothers-in-arms, for those, who died there, for those, who were unable to get out, it was only for them, only for them, that we held on. Sometimes you see, that a person has already reached his moral limit, then you try to support him somehow. For your soldiers, for your surroundings, for all of that, you have to hold on. Yeah, we support each other, plus antidepressants, all kinds, there”.

Silence settles again; we make a long pause. I don't know, how much deeper, I can ask the soldier about these things, without disturbing and tearing open deep wounds. He, seeing my confusion, answers the unasked question himself:

“Yes, of course, antidepressants, without them, well, there's just no way...”

Then we begin to talk with him about how it should be. “After a rotation, an arriving soldier should be received by a proper doctor, should be examined, without that, it's simply not possible. We now live in complete civilisation; everything is well developed; a huge amount of brain research has been conducted. And, you know, in any case every soldier, after a rotation should see a psychotherapist, to somehow stabilise their condition. Any person should go through that; after all, they have seen so many things, lost their friends, experienced inhuman amounts of stress and everything else, so every soldier should go through that.

And how is it done in our case? Our BTGR arrived, the soldiers were simply herded like cattle somewhere into a forest, into some tents, kept there for two weeks, and you call it “rehabilitation”? No, I truly don't understand it; everything should happen completely differently,” he reflects, adding that not every soldier is even ready for it. “In wartime there is one situation, and then you arrive in Kyiv where, honestly, nobody gives a damn about you. And you know, there's this strange situation, whether that rehabilitation really happened or not, whether there was any psychologist there or not, sooner or later they'll let you out of there. And then, like it or not, a person feels resentment: he was out there, in the trenches, fighting, losing friends, losing everything, what brings people close; out there you kept each other alive, we defended one another, and here.

In war, in the trenches, you shared a single dry ration with your brother-in-arms; together you repelled enemy attacks and in the end, you lose those people. And clearly, a soldier needs to restore his psychological state, and in our army, that is left to some kind of self-managed process. And sooner or later, when the war ends, all these brothers-in-arms, who have weapons, grenades, and everything else, they will come back. And then what? What will then happen in Kyiv; how will they behave toward all those who, throughout the entire war, were hiding somewhere, drinking, making noise? How will they treat all of them?

Yes, the one who is adequate, will be able to control himself, but some of them, for whom, let's be plain about it, “the roof has blown off”, not all of them will necessarily be able to hold themselves in check. And, you know, all that unpleasant chaos will begin,” the soldier speaks openly about the future prospects of Ukraine's future. Most of all one would wish not to hear all of this, not to listen to what he is saying, because what holds all of us up right now, is belief in victory. But worse, perhaps, than seeing the picture of future reality being painted, would be the unwillingness to see that other, less beautiful side of that reality.

I thank the Media Support Fund (MRF) for supporting the post series “War in Ukraine: The Gap Between the Military and Society”